If I Could
by MicchiKo
Summary: MitRu/RuMit. Mitsui and Rukawa try to make up for lost time.....


Title: If I Could...  
  
Part: 1/1  
  
Author: MicchiKo  
  
E-Mail: MicchiKo@aol.com  
  
Genre: Yaoi, Sap, Drama  
  
Pairings: MitRu  
  
Ratings: R -- For language.... ^^  
  
Archive: umm... *will* be archived on my currently under construction MitRu Shrine.  
  
Notes: Inspired by "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling. Finallized by "Sarangha Go Shipuh" by Wax.  
  
If I Could  
  
by MicchiKo  
  
"Hello."  
  
"...."  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Rukawa?"  
  
".... Mitsui?"  
  
"Yeah.... it's me..."  
  
"...."  
  
"I don't know.... I just called to see how you were doing..............."  
  
"I'm... fine. You?"  
  
"Heh, yeah I'm okay….…. I guess. I heard you're going out with Sendoh now."  
  
"Y-yeah................."  
  
"So how is that going?"  
  
".......... We're okay..........................."  
  
".............."  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Y-yeah......................."  
  
"You sound like you have a cold...."  
  
"Y-yeah...... I think... I might be catching something............. Well, I just wanted to say   
  
hi. Glad everything's alright."  
  
"Un, thanks...."  
  
"Bye......"  
  
"Bye." *click*  
  
"I love you............"  
  
If I could then I would  
  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
Way up high or down low  
  
I'll go wherever you will go  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I'm really sorry Kaede........." Sendoh apologized, trying to sound sincere. He could hear Rukawa quietly breathing into the phone.  
  
"You always say that...." The younger boy said coldly.  
  
"Come on. Can't you be a little more understanding?" Sendoh asked.  
  
Rukawa said nothing. He knew what Sendoh wasn't telling him -- though he wished he didn't. And how he wished even more that he could find anything that could prove him wrong. It was that paranoia that ate up his heart and the more he knew, the more he realized small things; strange cologne, constant excuses, marks on Sendoh's body that he was certain were not done by him. The more he realized these small things, the madder it drove him to the point of insanity. It made him quiver... and shudder... and sick to his stomach. Every time Sendoh touched him, he felt nauseated.  
  
"Don't be like this... please?" Sendoh continued, slightly annoyed. He was already late.  
  
"........"  
  
"I'll make it up to you.........."  
  
"Like always.............." Rukawa replied bitterly.  
  
"Look, if you're gonna be this unreasonable............."  
  
Rukawa tightened his grip on the receiver.  
  
"Fuck whoever you want tonight FOR ALL I CARE!!" He slammed the phone down and stood there, trying to calm his breathing. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs... but he didn't. He stared at the phone, watching how his hand trembled on top of it.  
  
Fucking bastard.... he cursed to himself.  
  
'I heard you're going out with Sendoh now.'  
  
'... We're okay....'  
  
Without knowing why, he thought back about the call he received from Mitsui only a few days before.  
  
'I heard you're going out with Sendoh now.'  
  
He wasn't sure what burned in his mind more – Mitsui's comment about his relationship with Sendoh, or his own lie that they were doing alright.  
  
Not that it really mattered anyway. But then… why did Mitsui call in the first place? They hadn't seen each other nor spoken at all for nearly a year – since Mitsui graduated. And maybe forcing yourself to feel one way truly works, for as time went on, he found himself thinking of the older boy less and less. That was of course, until recently……..  
  
Anxiously, he picked up the phone again and dialed, his heart pounding in his chest.  
  
"Hello, Mitsui residence...." A woman, most probably Mitsui's mother, picked up.  
  
"Is Hisashi there?" Rukawa asked softly.  
  
"He's not here now. May I ask who's speaking?"  
  
"It's ok. I'll call back some other time. Thank you." He hung up without even waiting for a response.  
  
'I heard you're going out with Sendoh now….'  
  
Baka… why did you have to call me?  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hisashi-kun....."  
  
"Hmm?" Mitsui turned around to face his mother as she entered his room.  
  
"Someone called while you were out...."  
  
"Someone called?" He furrowed his brows. "Do you know who it was?"  
  
"I don't know... it was some boy. He didn't leave his name."  
  
"He seemed… quiet. I don't know if that helps."  
  
"Quiet?"  
  
"He said he'd call back some other time...."  
  
"... It's ok. Thanks." Mitsui replied, still thinking as his mother smiled and left.  
  
Quiet? It couldn't have been............. by why would he...?  
  
Rukawa.........  
  
He picked up the phone and stared at the dials. It seemed so easy to punch in a few numbers but why was it so hard? Then again, why was he calling anyway? What if it hadn't been Rukawa who called? What would he say? Lie and tell the younger boy that he called just to say hi again? It was already bad enough that he'd called the first time.  
  
Besides, Rukawa already had someone. It was his own fault that he had lost his chance with the younger boy. That doubt, that constant fear -- of rejection, of repulsion, of embarrassment. Why did those emotions seem trivial now -- now, of all times, when he could do nothing except force himself to be happy for the other boy -- even if it meant his own suffering?  
  
He clenched his fists. Why was he making such a big deal about it? The younger boy may have just called to ask something.  
  
Finally, resolved, he dialed Rukawa's phone number.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Rukawa?" Mitsui said uncertainly.  
  
Rukawa blinked. He felt his heart skip a beat.  
  
"Did you call me before?" The Shooting Guard asked.  
  
".... No.... I mean, yes.........." Rukawa murmured.  
  
"Heh, so which is it?" Mitsui grinned slightly, trying to hide his discomfort.  
  
"............. yes." Rukawa whispered solemnly.   
  
"Is everything ok?" Mitsui furrowed his brows. "Nothing's wrong, right?"  
  
"............... no." Rukawa replied in the same tone. What could he say? He already confessed that he called – but what for? He couldn't even think of a plausible lie -- especially when he didn't even know the reason himself…   
  
Mitsui said nothing. Why did it seem as though Rukawa called him for no real reason? More importantly, why did the boy sound so........ down?  
  
"I'm sorry for bothering you........" Rukawa finally said, trying to sound more like his usual cool self. "It's nothing....."  
  
"..... ok then........." Mitsui agreed reluctantly. What else could he do? Reassure the boy that he would be there if needed? Rukawa didn't need him -- he was sure of it.  
  
"I'll talk to you later.........." The younger boy said briskly.  
  
"Yeah...... bye." Mitsui said before hanging up.  
  
Rukawa stared at the phone.  
  
Baka… he cursed silently. He hated himself for having called. And he hated himself for not knowing what to say. More than anything though, he hated having to admit how much he still longed to hear Mitsui's voice…  
  
We're not okay, you baka… can't you see that?  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
*RING*  
  
Rukawa nearly jumped out of his seat. He blinked twice. He didn't even realize that he had fallen asleep.  
  
*RING*  
  
He stared at the phone next to him. He felt his stomach tighten at the thought of who it could be. Not Mitsui… the older boy had just called about an hour ago.  
  
*RI~~NG*  
  
He reached out and picked up the phone tentatively.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Kaede..........."  
  
He frowned. He recognized that calm smooth voice.  
  
"What do you want?" He said frigidly.  
  
"Why are you so mad at me?" Sendoh snapped back.  
  
"I think I have reason to be..." Rukawa stated flatly.  
  
"You know it really hurts that you think I'm lying to you--- "  
  
*click*  
  
Fucking bastard..... he cursed again as he hung up the phone. He sighed.  
  
Baka… why are you still with him?  
  
Sempai… good luck… with school, with life… with everything. That was what he *wanted* to say the last day of his freshman year… and the last day of Mitsui's senior year. Why couldn't he? It was simple and friendly… and he was sure the older boy would've been glad to hear it. But… he didn't. Maybe it was because somehow, in some strange way, it hurt less to pretend that he didn't care – to ignore the fact that he wouldn't be seeing Mitsui anymore – and to ignore the fact that what they could have had would never start, and whatever little they did have, was coming to an end.  
  
If only he hadn't waited for the other boy to make the first move. If only they had more time....  
  
'I heard you're going out with Sendoh now...'  
  
The present came crashing down on him like a ton of bricks. He felt sick.  
  
Bastard....  
  
'We're okay...'  
  
Baka..............  
  
He stared at the phone.  
  
'Rukawa?'  
  
He smiled slightly and bitterly, certain that he must be going mad because he couldn't understand why he loved hearing his own name coming from Mitsui's lips. Slowly, he picked up the phone again.  
  
*ri~ng* *ri~ng* *ri~ng*  
  
"Hello, Mitsui residence...."  
  
"..... Is Hisashi there?"  
  
"Hold on..........."  
  
"Hello?"   
  
"........"  
  
"Hello?" Mitsui said, once more into the receiver.  
  
"Are you busy now?" Rukawa asked softly.  
  
"Rukawa?"   
  
He felt his heart skip a beat.  
  
"Yeah..." He swallowed. "Are you busy now?"  
  
Mitsui blinked. "No........ Why?"  
  
".............. nothing."  
  
Nothing?  
  
Mitsui furrowed his brows and waited for the explanation which he knew wouldn't come. He could hear the younger boy breathing softly.  
  
"................ are you at home now?" He asked, almost impulsively.  
  
"... un."  
  
"Can I come over?" He whispered.  
  
Rukawa felt his heart stand still. He unconsciously gripped the phone tighter.  
  
".... just for a little bit?" Mitsui pressed on.  
  
"............................. sure."  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
He would finally be able to see him.... after all this time. Somehow though, he wasn't sure if he wanted to. Of course he wanted to. But then what? It wasn't as though his seeing Rukawa would change anything -- the past, the present... their future........  
  
He walked slowly to the other boy's house, not even really sure of what to say when he got there. In the distance, he could see Rukawa sitting outside on the steps.  
  
"....... why are you waiting out here?" He asked without a greeting as he approached the other boy.  
  
"I don't know. It's kind of nice out tonight.............." Rukawa rose and looked up at the dark blue sky. It was calm night, warm with a light breeze. Seeing the younger boy, Mitsui looked up as well. He could see the scattered stars, shining brighter than he had ever seen.  
  
"Yeah........." He smiled.  
  
"Did you want something?" Rukawa turned to look at the older boy, tilting his head slightly in question.  
  
Mitsui stared at Rukawa. For that split second, he could have sworn that the rest of the world disappeared until there was only him and the boy in front of him. He looked away, unable to withstand the intensity of Rukawa's gaze.  
  
"I don't know....." He answered lamely. "........ I just wanted to see you."   
  
"And?" Rukawa asked quietly.  
  
"And?" Mitsui looked up, puzzled. He watched the other boy who said nothing -- merely waiting, as if for a more substantial reason, as if what he had just said was not enough. And maybe it was because they both knew that it wasn't.............  
  
"I know you're with Sendoh now............ " Mitsui began. "But........ I don't know............ " He thought for a moment, trying to articulate his thoughts. Then, it came to him -- that burning question that dwelled in the back of his mind for so long. "Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Un...." Rukawa nodded slightly.  
  
"If I had told you that I liked you... back then.... before you were going out with Sendoh......... would you have liked me back?"  
  
Rukawa said nothing as he gazed into the other boy's eyes. His breathe quickened and then, without wavering, he softly whispered, "........ yes."  
  
Mitsui smiled sadly.  
  
"..... I can't tell if that makes me feel better or worse."  
  
Rukawa watched as the other boy stared at the ground. He felt a stab of pain in his heart. He couldn't bare thinking about what might have been. But most of all, he couldn't bare seeing Mitsui standing there, feeling the same way.  
  
"If I told you that I like you now......" He said firmly, his mind made up. "What would you say?"   
  
Mitsui blinked. Staring into Rukawa's resolved eyes, he knew that the boy was serious.  
  
"But....." He began slowly. "What about Sendoh.....?"  
  
"And if I said I don't care?"  
  
Mitsui's eyes went wide.  
  
What was Rukawa saying?! And more importantly.... did he mean it?  
  
He searched Rukawa's face for any sort of reason to doubt the younger boy's words. He found none. Without looking away, he took a step closer to the other boy who was patiently waiting for an answer.  
  
There were so many things he had wanted to say… so many things he still wanted to say. But as they stood there, and as he looked at the other boy –- the other boy who still looked the same the day he graduated –- the day he left… the regret of unspoken words would never leave his heart. He wanted to tell the other boy how he had felt – how he still felt… but somehow… somehow… he knew he couldn't turn back time…  
  
"I can't……" he finally said, shaking his head. He saw the hope in the other boy's beautiful blue eyes fade and he looked away. "You're with someone now… and I can't bring myself to do that… I can't bring myself to make you leave him……"  
  
He turned on his heel to go, telling himself not to look back because he was afraid he might change his mind…  
  
Unexpectedly, he felt strong arms wrap around him from behind, the younger boy's warm body pressed against his. He felt a weight on his shoulder and Rukawa's soft breath tickling his neck. His mind told him to walk away but his body wouldn't comply. His chest hurt and the only thing he could do was bring his hand up to hold the one so conveniently placed over his heart.  
  
"Please don't leave me again." He heard Rukawa plead. "Please don't make me watch you go………"  
  
He sighed.  
  
"Are you happy?" He asked suddenly and paused. "Are you happy… with him?" He felt the hand underneath his close around his fingers.   
  
"No." Rukawa whispered, as he held on tighter. "No…"  
  
"And you don't care about how he feels?" Mitsui asked, verbalizing his thoughts.  
  
"Because he doesn't care about how *I* feel." The younger boy replied, cringing as images of what Sendoh was possibly doing at that moment rose to his mind. "Does that justify it?" He asked, feeling as though he already knew the answer.  
  
Mitsui smiled sadly.  
  
"Barely…" he answered as he moved out of Rukawa's embrace and turned around to face the younger boy who was looking down, unable to return his gaze. Gently, he reached out to push away those unruly bangs and placed a soft kiss on other boy's forehead.  
  
Without warning, once again, Rukawa wrapped his arms around the other boy, resting his head on Mitsui's shoulder in the process. Mitsui sighed as he did the same, sarcastically reassuring himself that at least they would be sinning together.  
  
"If only-- "  
  
"No-- don't say it." Rukawa cut the other boy off. "It doesn't matter anyway…" He said as he nuzzled Mitsui's neck. "All that matters is now……"  
  
If I could turn back time  
  
If I could make you mine.….  
  
--End--  
  
Completed: 3.9.03  
  
Notes: Omg~~ you know I started this in like... November. Haha~ never thought I'd finish it... but here it is. ^^ 


End file.
